We are told that violence is human nature. That aggression and domination are hardwired into us as a part of the fallen state of being human. But what if that story is incomplete?
What if violence has more to do with unhealed wounds than our innate nature.
Trauma researcher Dr. Gabor Maté tells us,
"All violence is an attempt to deal with pain."
He doesn’t points us to the behavior itself, but to what lies beneath it. He asks us to look at the emotional wounds, unmet needs, and early adaptations that shape our way of surviving in the world. From this view, violence is not inherent. It is passed down genetically, emotionally and energetically. Violence uses systems that suppress and reward dominance. This leaves little room for healing.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, writes that trauma doesn't just live in our memories but in our bodies. It shapes how we move through the world and how we react to threat. If we do not feel safe inside ourselves, how can we help create safety for anyone else?
This is the deeper crisis we face. It is not just a political or relational problem, because it affect our bodies, hearts, and minds.
For those of us raised in Christian traditions, we were given the story of original sin. We are told we are fallen, broken, and inherently flawed.
If we look deeper we will see that the early church offered a different vision.
Eastern Orthodox theology speaks not of original sin, but of original blessing. We are not fallen beings in need of punishment, but wounded beings in need of healing.
As Gene Knudsen Hoffman, pioneer of the Compassionate Listening Project, discovered,
"to reconcile, we must realize that both sides to any violence are wounded, and their wounds are unhealed."
The Inner Violence We Carry
I know this not just from books, but from the journey of my own healing.
There was a time when I was far from myself. I couldn’t listen deeply to anyone else because I hadn’t yet learned to listen deeply to myself. That began to change when I committed to the slow, daily work of coming back to my body through breathwork, walking meditation, and other self-care practices.
Over time, I began to discover stillness, and an inner spaciousness that I hadn’t even realized was missing. As I softened, I found myself able to truly listen This also allowed me to hold space for others without needing to fix, defend, or retreat. I started realizing that we can only offer to others what we’ve first cultivated within ourselves.
The truth is, most of us are moving through life with very little inner space. We have no room to breathe, feel, or just be present.
When we don’t have space inside, it becomes almost impossible to hold space for someone else. That’s when the walls come up. Its not always with fists or weapons. It can come in many forms such as words, withdrawal, or silence.
Practices That Help Us Come Home
There are ways back home to ourselves. These are not just theories. They are pathways I have walked and the practices that have helped me move from reactivity to presence.
They have also allowed me to shift from judgment to compassion.
Breathwork has been one of my most powerful tools. It helps regulate the nervous system. This regulation allows us to soften reactivity, and open a doorway into the parts of ourselves that have long been buried. When we breathe with intention, we signal to our bodies that we are safe. We create space between stimulus and response and we can better handle our triggers and reactions.
Take a moment right now. Place one hand on your chest, one on your belly. If it feels right then breathe in slowly for a count of four, hold for a count of four, and exhale for a count of six.
Do this several time or for several minutes. Notice how this simple act begins to shift something in your system. This is where peacemaking begins; right within the quiet regulation of our own nervous systems.
Walking meditation anchors us in motion and presence. As we move with intention, we help our bodies process and integrate emotions that may have been stuck for years. Step by step, we come back to our breath, our body, and the ground beneath us. Through our upcoming Walking Pilgrim practice, my collaborator Michael Wood and I are exploring how 33 days of mindful walking can become a journey of deep transformation.
Shadow work through approaches like Internal Family Systems has helped me come back to the exiled parts of myself. When we can see that our anger and tendency toward violence are actually parts trying to keep us safe then we can begin to offer them the compassion they have been seeking.
Compassionate Listening is not just a communication practice, it’s also a way of seeing. It invites us to meet another person’s pain without needing to fix. We learn to listen not just to the words spoken, but to the hear wounds beneath them. We listen for the story of survival, the grief beneath the anger, or the longing for connection.
Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers structure and language to this same heart-centered approach. Rosenberg taught that all violence is “the tragic expression of unmet needs.” When we can hear the need beneath the demand then we can create space for healing instead of retaliation.
Together, these practices help us transform conflict into connection.
From Inner Healing to Outer Peace
If we want peace in the world, we have to create peace within ourselves. This peace cannot simply be a slogan we recite. It must be embodied and a way of being that grows from the inside out.
Peace, as I am learning, doesn’t begin in my mind. It begins in my body and it flows through my breath.
If we want to end cycles of violence, we must begin by ending the violence we carry toward ourselves. Only then can we meet others with compassion.
David Whyte captures this in his poem Still Possible, when he invites us
…ask for forgiveness by being forgiveness… and to dance more bravely… to speak more suddenly… to live more generously…
To be forgiveness is to soften toward ourselves first, so that our compassion for others is not performance.
Reflection Practice
Take a few minutes to sit quietly with these questions:
What is the story I tell myself about the people whose actions trigger me most?
Where in my own body do I carry unhealed hurt that sometimes drives my reactions?
How might my own journey of healing become a gift to the world around me?
What would change if I began to see every act of violence as a cry for healing?
We don't have to carry this weight forever.
We can choose to walk another way.
I’d love to hear your reflections. Feel free to share your thoughts or experiences in the comments below.
Keith Rowe is a breathworker, teacher, and founder of Vital Healing, a nonprofit where he helps people reconnect to the wisdom of the body and transform through breathwork, somatic practice, and spiritual clarity.
He is co-creator of the upcoming Walking Pilgrim app, a 33-day journey of mindful walking and presence. Sign up to receive updates for when it is released at walkingpilgrim.com.